What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 14:29
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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I was seconnd youngest,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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This is soul school!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
How can someone in your family purposely try to destroy your reputation?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
What did i know ?
So whats the point in blame.
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But, we were locked up after school.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why are the Chinese so sensitive to Western criticism?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why do our deceased do not protect us from other bad spirits?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When she asked me how she looked .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She married twice! .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Comes on , in middle age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I waited trembling.
I was 9 years of age.
So, i spoilt her more .
I couldn’t, believe it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I said to her
Put me off passion for life!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It was going to be , some day.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I have no regrets .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My family never makes their pension either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im still living with it.
But it wasn’t much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot live in the past .
My life is so biszare .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I don,t even have a pension.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
I was scared of men, in general
Would this be the day?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He knew the spot.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I write beautiful poetry .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Who then, do I blame.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
I will be 64.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was in good health!
She found it foreign!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!